MY BOOK(s)

Portrait of Our Marriage

PORTRAIT OF OUR MARRIAGE

Memoirs of Love, Family, the Internet, 

and Obsession

The Story Behind The Story 

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WHY WRITE THIS STORY

Years ago I was watching an episode of The Oprah Show. The episode was about porn addiction. Oprah was interviewing men who were discussing their addiction to pornography. I remember thinking that they looked like normal decent men and just by looking at them I would have never thought that they would have this addiction. My day had continued with nary a thought of the episode but later that evening when I slept I had a dream,.

It was one dream followed by many others. The dreams unfolded as if I were watching a movie, each one vivid with color, as they shared events from a woman’s life. At one point in the dream I could see a woman watching her life through a series of pictures as she viewed them on a digital display device. Each dream took me through different stages of her marriage. After a while I could see a connection that the dreams were revealing. The woman’s husband had always enjoyed looking at men’s magazines, especially the ones with naked ladies. But over time with the easy access provided by the internet his fancy was escalating into an obsession with pornography. As his obsession grew so did subtle to shocking changes in their relationship. 

Sometime after watching the episode on TV, I viewed another episode on The Oprah Show and this time, Joel Osteen was her guest. After watching this motivational episode, I felt that I was having the dreams for a reason. I have written songs, poetry, and short stories, for many years, that I have shared with friends. But after seeing both of these episodes and experiencing the dreams, I began to feel that there must be a reason, and I knew I needed to tell the story.

Back then, my youngest son was an actor and I had been reading screenplays for years. My first attempt at telling the story was by trying to write it as a script. Much easier said than done. I could not seem to get the emotion I wanted in the script and I didn’t have enough real information about pornography addiction and how it not only affects men but women involved with those men.

So for a while I put my writing on hold and began my research. I read everything I could find on porn addiction. From religious organizations, marriage counselors, psychologists, plus sites where men and women shared their own experiences. I read both the pros and cons of what people had to say. 

But even after all my research was done I was still missing what I felt was the personal aspect. Where could I find the emotion behind this addiction and how it affects a couple? Back then there was a lot of information online for, from, and by, men but very little information about how pornography addiction affected the wife and marital relations. I did not have money to pay for a study and at that time I did not know anyone dealing with this issue. I was stuck and for a while my story was dead in the water. Then one day while shopping I noticed several carpet cleaning and blind cleaning business cards on a few shelves several were also on the floor in the cleaning aisle, plus there were some landscaping business cards over in the garden shop. This sparked an idea in my head and I hoped my prayers had been answered. Maybe just maybe I could try this as a way to find information. I know now this was crazy and could have been risky putting my information out there; especially while asking for input about pornography but I was desperate and not thinking things all the way through. Anyway, I went home and typed up a bunch of notes asking women if they had any experience dealing with someone addicted to pornography. I explained I was writing a fictional book about this subject matter and would like some truthful in depth information so my story would be as truthful and real as I could make it. I then added my mailing address and phone number on the notes. I set the notes out in several different big name stores, leaving them on top of personal items that ladies use, also by women’s clothing, and in some women’s restrooms. Weeks went by before I heard anything and then I began getting the mail. I was surprised. Honestly after setting the notes out I had second thoughts about what I had done and believed I would not hear from anyone. I ended up receiving about 17 letters. Most had very little information. But 8 were very detailed and gave me the insight I was looking for, a few were like diary entries, and totally pulled me into their world. I believe by the tone and shared history that most of these were submitted by middle aged to older women but possibly 2 were from young ladies. Regardless of the age their stories were real and touched me.

My next step was to join a writing group and get feedback from beta readers. Being a first time “book” writer this both helped and conflicted me. Sometimes opinions differed greatly and were all over the place. Who to listen to?

I now know, as a writer, you should ultimately listen to your voice or you can lose your story.

Originally when I was writing the story the sex scenes were not in great detail and were mild, but almost everyone felt if I did not give details, the readers would automatically assume that the reason the husband was addicted to pornography was because the wife was frigid. And even then after I added the sex scenes many felt that a few of them still needed to be expanded in such a way as to seem overboard. After reading the story they felt that because Nicky, the wife, had come from a very strict upbringing she would stretch her limits and go a bit wild. Trying to find herself and get away from her past, they believed she would do anything to impress and keep the man she loved. And so I went about making changes. 

I also had the first sex scene later in the book but my editor said that that wouldn’t work today, that people did not want to wait so long for sex in a story and it needed to be closer the beginning. More changes.

In many ways when I look back I have learned a lot. A lot of responsibility is put on the writer who self-publishes. Working with beta readers, writing groups, and an editor you hire, requires you to listen and use judgments on what changes or suggestions to listen to, what to change, and what to stick with. 

Writing sometimes is an act of possession. You, the author, are into the story and that’s when the magic happens, when the characters take over and have their own minds. Their voice, their responses and attitudes, uncontrollably speak out from your fingertips onto the keyboard. In those moments you are not analyzing if people will like what your wrote or if people will hate what you’ve written. 

YOU write.

Then there’s the ending. 

Some writers come to it easily, the story writes itself. 

Some writers always find the happily ever after, while some go for shock or grab you with that surprise twist. 

In my story I stayed with the ending I originally had but it is not the ending the majority of my betas or writing group wanted. 

There was the group that wanted the romantic happily ever after ending, because most felt that is what would sell the best.

And then there was the few who agreed with my ending.

Why did I stay with my ending? Truthfully, I wanted what the majority wanted but I felt I had to stay true to the story in order to honor the women who took the time out of their lives to share some very personal and intimate information with me. They trusted me, someone they didn’t know, someone who was not published, someone who did not know first hand what goes on behind closed doors in this world of internet sexual addiction. And that is the reason I stood by the ending I have.

I have learned when you put your book out there, you will find supporters and those who hate your work. You will get some people who liked your writing, got something out of it, and then you might have those who will verbally attack and harass you. I was shocked to learn some haters make a job out of going after you. Ignore them. You can’t please everyone.

As a writer you choose your path and you create the life your characters live in.

Not everyone will like what you write and that’s okay. Think about it, do you like everything everyone else writes? Do you like all foods? No. 

We each have different tastes and sometimes throughout our lives our tastes change and the stories we look for may change as our needs do.

As far as the indie self-publishing world goes, there are a lot of wonderful and gifted people out there. Most are willing to help and inspire. I’ve learned so much and am still learning.

I am sharing my journey about my first book because I feel everyone who wants to write should do it. If it’s your dream and a story is screaming to get out, go for it, give it a try, and don’t let others talk you into giving up.

"Write about what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open."

                Natalie Goldberg

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Thoughts:
More and more women are identifying with the problem of pornography addiction when their spouse or BF personality undergoes major changes. They wonder what they can do. All to often in the beginning, the woman places the blame on herself and thinks of ways she might change. She wonders if she's too old, too fat, ugly, or not creative enough in the bedroom. Stressing over all of these issues in the majority of cases, will not change anything and they are not the issue when the partner is suffering from this addiction or being obsessed with pornography. 

It is the individuals problem. They may not even know why or how they became so dependent on it. But once it is out of control, it will start to damage relationships in most cases. I often post varied sites regarding porn addiction to share what is going on in the world around us and what is almost always hidden, on my book Facebook page. I do not endorse any links shared, one way or the other. I am not a doctor or a therapist. I share information I have read and researched through many online sites regarding these issues.

No matter what your beliefs, it is best to stay informed and be aware of what can happen. We know that many addictions begin with overuse. 

Addiction means they will need help to stop. 

Addicts will say they don't need to stop that they don't have a problem. 

• Is your spouse or BF up late at night on the computer or laptop?

• Do they suddenly change pages or close their laptop when they see you coming their way?

• Do they have a password for their laptop, computer, and phone, that they keep secret from you?

• Is their 'History' always cleared?

• Are there any unexplained strange bills on the credit cards or paypal?

• Has there been a change how and when you have sex? Does he get frustrated or want to try totally out of the norm acts for him? Did he want more and then suddenly a lot less sex? Is he suffering from dysfunction? Are there any sexual deviance changes in his desires? Does he suddenly want you to dress, do your hair, or makeup differently?

• Is he looking more at trashy or slutty dressed women?

• Does he suffer from extreme mood swings and become short tempered or angry with you?
There could always be a medical reason for any of these changes and it is best to recommend that he be checked by a doctor.

If you answer 'yes' to most of these questions. You should have a heart to heart talk.

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Favorite Color: Ah, I like them all. It depends on my mood, but my favs are: red, yellow, pink, blue, and purple.

Favorite Animal: Cats! I love them along with dogs and birds :) the ones below are a some of the ones I have now. I have been blessed that most of my pets live into their mid 20's.

 

Favorite Number: 5 or 7!

Favorite Non-alcoholic Drink: Iced black or hibiscus tea.

Facebook or Twitter: Facebook is more personal but Twitter is less hostile. 

Your Passions: No Kill Shelters & pet rescues, Just Label It! (No GMOs), and supporting our military men & women and their families.

Giving or getting presents: Giving, it's much more fun. I love it when it's a surprise gift for no reason, those are the best to give.

Favorite Day: Monday, I know ahhh!!!! The 'ugh day'. But it is the beginning of the week and full of possibilities.

Favorite Flowers: Gardenias & roses!

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PORTRAIT OF OUR MARRIAGE

Memoirs of Love, Family, the Internet, and Obsession

 

http://www.amazon.com/Portrait-Our-Marriage-Martha-Emms/dp/1479238600/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1350515473&sr=1-2&keywords=portrait+of+our+marriage

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