Portrait of Our Marriage
Memoirs of Love, Family, the Internet, 
and Obsession
The Story Behind The Story 
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The Honeymoon

Jason and Reed had moved our tent to a secluded area further down the creek so we could enjoy privacy on our honeymoon. I was not a virgin, and Brett and I already knew each other intimately, but still there was a nervousness that filled the tent. Thinking about it I was thankful that was all behind us. A virgin. Who wants to be sore at a time when you’re supposed to enjoy lots of sex? And who wants to be married to someone who might not be sexually compatible with you? Not me. I was glad I had already been with Brett. Still, I was feeling anxious. This would be the first time we’d be making love as man and wife.
Alone in the tent, I stripped naked and pulled out the honeymoon gift Beth left for me. Pulling up the cute white lace panties I reached around my back and tied the rear ruffled bow. The sexy white negligee had a loose neckline that fell low in the front and three bows that tied in the back. It felt wonderfully soft and silky, sending tingles across my skin as I slipped it over my head and it glided lightly across my body.
Brett was washing off in the creek. He entered the tent wearing white boxers, which while accentuating his tan also made him look very hot and sexy. The look on his face when he saw me, and the way his strong arms, muscular thighs, and flat ripped abs shone in the lantern light, were my undoing. My insides quivered. I wanted him so much.
His voice husky, he moved toward me. “You look beautiful, Mrs. Ketchum!” he said, his look of admiration devouring me.
My breath caught in my throat, “So do you, my husband.”
Brett’s arms were quickly around me, he held me as we gazed at each other. For a moment we simply looked into each other’s eyes. Beholding, searching the depths. His pupils widened, opening the window to his soul. Love, passion, or magnetic attraction, whatever it is that draws each of us into that trusting, loving, and believing behavior we seek in each other, it was all there, reflecting in his eyes as well as mine.
We embraced close enough that I felt a huge bulge, more than what I felt normally, harden and protrude from below. I moved back and looked at him, my questioning eyes went downward towards his boxers and he laughed out loud.
A hearty laugh! “It’s ah, something of a surprise for you from Beth,” he chuckled. “I actually feel pretty silly but she wanted me to gift wrap it for you.”
A puzzled expression spread across my face.
He moved away, turned his back to me and dropped his drawers, exposing his wonderfully chiseled ass. Then he turned to face me. His penis had a large white silk bow tied around it. Wrapped. It was actually wrapped. His penis was totally wrapped like a miniature mummy with a silk sash that tied into a bow at the top. I gasped and couldn’t control the laughs that escaped my lips.
Clapping my hands I exclaimed, moving forward, “I . . . am really going to have to find a special way to thank Beth. I love presents, especially those with bows on them.” I gently grabbed the bow while holding the wrapped appendage and pulled one of the tails loose. Undoing the bow, I began a slow unwrapping of my gift, torturing the bearer. Once unwrapped, I kissed the head. Yes, the one below. It wiggled and bounced upward.
“Not now,” I said. “That will come later.” And I tossed the ribbon to the ground.
Brett rubbed his hands over the silky material of my negligee. “This feels nice, soft,” he murmured, turning me so he faced my back. Carefully, he began untying the bows on the back of the nightgown.
“That’s one,” he said as he moved to untie the next bow. “That’s two,” he said nuzzling in between the silky fabric. His mouth pressed against me. He took his time, placing kisses across my back. “Hmm, and here’s three,” he untied the bow by the arch of my back then pushed the gown totally open.
The gown fell to the front; it slid down over my shoulders and across the tips of my breast as it fell to the ground. His palms glided down, caressing my sides and waist, then his mouth grazed across my skin, his breath hot. He slumped down onto his knees, untied the bow right over my butt, grabbed my panties, and pushed the fabric open, granting him access. He whispered, “That’s four.” Then he grabbed each buttock cheek, placed kisses slowly on each one until he ran his tongue up my lower back where he found a spot and sucked, pulling gently. I could feel the burn of my blood rising to the outer layer of my skin.
Parting my legs only slightly his finger entered me. Feeling my wetness, he moaned, “Mmmm, you’re so warm. You feel so wonderful, like honey. You’re almost ready.” He proceeded to suckle four areas by the dimpled area of my lower back, branding me with hickeys while fingering me, stimulation that sent me over the edge.
I could stand no more and turned to face him. Grabbing the front of my panties he pulled them down. He kissed me there. Parting my legs, his tongue entered flickering and teasing. He began his loving assault. My hands on his head, the side of his face, I held him to me and begged, “I . . . want, want . . .”
“What do you want, tell me?” He asked as he brought me down with him, on top of the sleeping bags.
“Oh God Brett, I want you. Only you!” I cried out.
I lay back naked, aroused, and open under his gaze. Cupping the mounds of my breasts he licked, sucked, bringing them to life. They were pink, pointed, puffy, and throbbing. I ached for him, my hips wiggled to seduce him as he held himself over me, and then, in a frenzy, we joined. It was if he took control of my body and I was his. Our thrusting became a playful form of sexual sparring. We laughed, giggled, and moaned, sweating profusely. When Brett could go no more, both of us were fulfilled and complete. The hot mound between my legs was now swollen with a heartbeat of its own, still vibrating from our coming. Nothing was as wonderful as a well-loved body. It was like being reborn. Cradled in Brett’s arms, my one arm rested across his chest, I smiled a most contented smile. This man was my husband.





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Years ago I was watching an episode of The Oprah Show. The episode was about porn addiction. Oprah was interviewing men who were discussing their addiction to pornography. I remember thinking that they looked like normal decent men and just by looking at them I would have never thought that they would have this addiction. My day had continued with nary a thought of the episode but later that evening when I slept I had a dream,.
It was one dream followed by many others. The dreams unfolded as if I were watching a movie, each one vivid with color, as they shared events from a woman’s life. At one point in the dream I could see a woman watching her life through a series of pictures as she viewed them on a digital display device. Each dream took me through different stages of her marriage. After a while I could see a connection that the dreams were revealing. The woman’s husband had always enjoyed looking at men’s magazines, especially the ones with naked ladies. But over time with the easy access provided by the internet his fancy was escalating into an obsession with pornography. As his obsession grew so did subtle to shocking changes in their relationship. 

Sometime after watching the episode on TV, I viewed another episode on The Oprah Show and this time, Joel Osteen was her guest. After watching this motivational episode, I felt that I was having the dreams for a reason. I have written songs, poetry, and short stories, for many years, that I have shared with friends. But after seeing both of these episodes and experiencing the dreams, I began to feel that there must be a reason, and I knew I needed to tell the story.

Back then, my youngest son was an actor and I had been reading screenplays for years. My first attempt at telling the story was by trying to write it as a script. Much easier said than done. I could not seem to get the emotion I wanted in the script and I didn’t have enough real information about pornography addiction and how it not only affects men but women involved with those men.

So for a while I put my writing on hold and began my research. I read everything I could find on porn addiction. From religious organizations, marriage counselors, psychologists, plus sites where men and women shared their own experiences. I read both the pros and cons of what people had to say. 

But even after all my research was done I was still missing what I felt was the personal aspect. Where could I find the emotion behind this addiction and how it affects a couple? Back then there was a lot of information online for, from, and by, men but very little information about how pornography addiction affected the wife and marital relations. I did not have money to pay for a study and at that time I did not know anyone dealing with this issue. I was stuck and for a while my story was dead in the water. Then one day while shopping I noticed several carpet cleaning and blind cleaning business cards on a few shelves several were also on the floor in the cleaning aisle, plus there were some landscaping business cards over in the garden shop. This sparked an idea in my head and I hoped my prayers had been answered. Maybe just maybe I could try this as a way to find information. I know now this was crazy and could have been risky putting my information out there; especially while asking for input about pornography but I was desperate and not thinking things all the way through. Anyway, I went home and typed up a bunch of notes asking women if they had any experience dealing with someone addicted to pornography. I explained I was writing a fictional book about this subject matter and would like some truthful in depth information so my story would be as truthful and real as I could make it. I then added my mailing address and phone number on the notes. I set the notes out in several different big name stores, leaving them on top of personal items that ladies use, also by women’s clothing, and in some women’s restrooms. Weeks went by before I heard anything and then I began getting the mail. I was surprised. Honestly after setting the notes out I had second thoughts about what I had done and believed I would not hear from anyone. I ended up receiving about 17 letters. Most had very little information. But 8 were very detailed and gave me the insight I was looking for, a few were like diary entries, and totally pulled me into their world. I believe by the tone and shared history that most of these were submitted by middle aged to older women but possibly 2 were from young ladies. Regardless of the age their stories were real and touched me.

My next step was to join a writing group and get feedback from beta readers. Being a first time “book” writer this both helped and conflicted me. Sometimes opinions differed greatly and were all over the place. Who to listen to?

I now know, as a writer, you should ultimately listen to your voice or you can lose your story.
Originally when I was writing the story the sex scenes were not in great detail and were mild, but almost everyone felt if I did not give details, the readers would automatically assume that the reason the husband was addicted to pornography was because the wife was frigid. And even then after I added the sex scenes many felt that a few of them still needed to be expanded in such a way as to seem overboard. After reading the story they felt that because Nicky, the wife, had come from a very strict upbringing she would stretch her limits and go a bit wild. Trying to find herself and get away from her past, they believed she would do anything to impress and keep the man she loved. And so I went about making changes. 

I also had the first sex scene later in the book but my editor said that that wouldn’t work today, that people did not want to wait so long for sex in a story and it needed to be closer the beginning. More changes.

In many ways when I look back I have learned a lot. A lot of responsibility is put on the writer who self-publishes. Working with beta readers, writing groups, and an editor you hire, requires you to listen and use judgments on what changes or suggestions to listen to, what to change, and what to stick with. 

Writing sometimes is an act of possession. You, the author, are into the story and that’s when the magic happens, when the characters take over and have their own minds. Their voice, their responses and attitudes, uncontrollably speak out from your fingertips onto the keyboard. In those moments you are not analyzing if people will like what your wrote or if people will hate what you’ve written. 
YOU write.

Then there’s the ending. 
Some writers come to it easily, the story writes itself. 
Some writers always find the happily ever after, while some go for shock or grab you with that surprise twist. 
In my story I stayed with the ending I originally had but it is not the ending the majority of my betas or writing group wanted. 
There was the group that wanted the romantic happily ever after ending, because most felt that is what would sell the best.
And then there was the few who agreed with my ending.

Why did I stay with my ending? Truthfully, I wanted what the majority wanted but I felt I had to stay true to the story in order to honor the women who took the time out of their lives to share some very personal and intimate information with me. They trusted me, someone they didn’t know, someone who was not published, someone who did not know first hand what goes on behind closed doors in this world of internet sexual addiction. And that is the reason I stood by the ending I have.

I have learned when you put your book out there, you will find supporters and those who hate your work. You will get some people who liked your writing, got something out of it, and then you might have those who will verbally attack and harass you. I was shocked to learn some haters make a job out of going after you. Ignore them. You can’t please everyone.

As a writer you choose your path and you create the life your characters live in.
Not everyone will like what you write and that’s okay. Think about it, do you like everything everyone else writes? Do you like all foods? No. 

We each have different tastes and sometimes throughout our lives our tastes change and the stories we look for may change as our needs do.

As far as the indie self-publishing world goes, there are a lot of wonderful and gifted people out there. Most are willing to help and inspire. I’ve learned so much and am still learning.
I am sharing my journey about my first book because I feel everyone who wants to write should do it. If it’s your dream and a story is screaming to get out, go for it, give it a try, and don’t let others talk you into giving up.

"Write about what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open."
                Natalie Goldberg
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More and more women are identifying with the problem of pornography addiction when their spouse or BF personality undergoes major changes. They wonder what they can do. All to often in the beginning, the woman places the blame on herself and thinks of ways she might change. She wonders if she's too old, too fat, ugly, or not creative enough in the bedroom. Stressing over all of these issues in the majority of cases, will not change anything and they are not the issue when the partner is suffering from this addiction or being obsessed with pornography. 

It is the individuals problem. They may not even know why or how they became so dependent on it. But once it is out of control, it will start to damage relationships in most cases. I often post varied sites regarding porn addiction to share what is going on in the world around us and what is almost always hidden, on my book Facebook page. I do not endorse any links shared, one way or the other. I am not a doctor or a therapist. I share information I have read and researched through many online sites regarding these issues.

No matter what your beliefs, it is best to stay informed and be aware of what can happen. We know that many addictions begin with overuse. 

Addiction means they will need help to stop. 

Addicts will say they don't need to stop that they don't have a problem. 

Is your spouse or BF up late at night on the computer or laptop?

 Do they suddenly change pages or close their laptop when they see you coming their way?

 Do they have a password for their laptop, computer, and phone, that they keep secret from you?

 Is their 'History' always cleared?

 Are there any unexplained strange bills on the credit cards or paypal?

 Has there been a change how and when you have sex? Does he get frustrated or want to try totally out of the norm acts for him? Did he want more and then suddenly a lot less sex? Is he suffering from dysfunction? Are there any sexual deviance changes in his desires? Does he suddenly want you to dress, do your hair, or makeup differently?

 Is he looking more at trashy or slutty dressed women?

 Does he suffer from extreme mood swings and become short tempered or angry with you?
There could always be a medical reason for any of these changes and it is best to recommend that he be checked by a doctor.

If you answer 'yes' to most of these questions. You should have a heart to heart talk.

Visit my book Facebook page

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Favorite Color: Ah, I like them all. It depends on my mood, but my favs are: red, yellow, pink, blue, and purple.

Favorite Animal: Cats! I love them along with dogs and birds :) the ones below are a some of the ones I have now. I have been blessed that most of my pets live into their mid 20's.

Favorite Number: 5 or 7!

Favorite Non-alcoholic Drink: Iced black or hibiscus tea.

Facebook or Twitter: Facebook is more personal but Twitter is less hostile. 

Your Passions: No Kill Shelters & pet rescues, Just Label It! (No GMOs), and supporting our military men & women and their families.

Giving or getting presents: Giving, it's much more fun. I love it when it's a surprise gift for no reason, those are the best to give.

Favorite Day: Monday, I know ahhh!!!! The 'ugh day'. But it is the beginning of the week and full of possibilities.

Favorite Flowers: Gardenias & roses!


Memoirs of Love, Family, the Internet, and Obsession


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